1 00:00:03,180 --> 00:00:05,091 ♪♪ 2 00:00:05,538 --> 00:00:08,090 On the subject "why I lotgs?" 3 00:00:08,124 --> 00:00:09,291 Please tell me it's not-- 4 00:00:09,325 --> 00:00:12,327 - The annual tgs viewer walk-on contest. 5 00:00:12,345 --> 00:00:14,045 It's great promotion, lemon. 6 00:00:14,097 --> 00:00:15,881 We found that if someone is actually on nbc, 7 00:00:15,932 --> 00:00:17,632 They're 4% more likely to watch it. 8 00:00:17,666 --> 00:00:18,984 - Really? We're doing this again? 9 00:00:19,018 --> 00:00:21,103 After what happened last year? 10 00:00:21,137 --> 00:00:22,604 - Gassy patsy, you can't eat-- 11 00:00:22,638 --> 00:00:24,439 - [robotic voice] keep the white house white. 12 00:00:24,474 --> 00:00:26,007 [audience boos] 13 00:00:26,025 --> 00:00:27,809 - You know who enters these walk-on contests? 14 00:00:27,843 --> 00:00:29,277 Weirdos. 15 00:00:29,312 --> 00:00:31,113 - Read the essays, lemon. It's not going to kill you. 16 00:00:31,147 --> 00:00:33,515 - Oh, really? 'cause this one is typed on the inside 17 00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:34,682 Of a bloody halter top. 18 00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:35,901 - Just pick one. 19 00:00:35,952 --> 00:00:37,185 And while you're at it, which one of these ties 20 00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:38,570 Do you prefer? 21 00:00:38,621 --> 00:00:39,988 - I thought you said a man should never wear pastel 22 00:00:40,022 --> 00:00:41,623 Unless he's a black guy on easter. 23 00:00:41,657 --> 00:00:43,458 - Usually, but I'm going on the today show 24 00:00:43,493 --> 00:00:45,076 To talk about avery, 25 00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:47,462 And I need to tone down my natural aura 26 00:00:47,497 --> 00:00:49,047 Of strength and sexual dominance. 27 00:00:49,081 --> 00:00:50,465 Which wasn't going to happen 28 00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:52,551 With the tie I was going to wear. 29 00:00:52,585 --> 00:00:53,969 - [gasps] oh, my. 30 00:00:54,003 --> 00:00:55,203 [stammers] 31 00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:57,172 So, uh, what is the news with avery? 32 00:00:57,206 --> 00:00:59,174 - Uh, there isn't any, and that's the problem. 33 00:00:59,208 --> 00:01:00,892 The u.N. Is useless, the state department 34 00:01:00,927 --> 00:01:02,594 Is full of democrats, 35 00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:04,563 And as it turns out, amnesty international 36 00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:07,816 Is nothing but a company that makes and sells candles. 37 00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:10,318 - That explains all the vigils. That is a good scam. 38 00:01:10,353 --> 00:01:12,771 - It's been a year, and the media have moved on. 39 00:01:12,822 --> 00:01:15,056 - Media is a plural noun. Put this tie on. 40 00:01:15,074 --> 00:01:16,491 - I have to find a way to get avery's story 41 00:01:16,526 --> 00:01:17,943 Back on the front page. 42 00:01:17,994 --> 00:01:20,728 Fortunately, I run a network with a news division, 43 00:01:20,746 --> 00:01:22,998 And I will do whatever it takes to keep avery's plight 44 00:01:23,032 --> 00:01:24,082 In the public eye. 45 00:01:24,116 --> 00:01:26,401 Even... 46 00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:29,788 Go and see matt lauer's band. It's blues rock, lemon. 47 00:01:29,839 --> 00:01:31,072 It's called... 48 00:01:31,090 --> 00:01:33,592 Rhythm and news. 49 00:01:37,029 --> 00:01:38,163 - Lemon, no. 50 00:01:38,197 --> 00:01:41,183 [exciting jazz music] 51 00:01:41,217 --> 00:01:49,357 Synced By YesCool www.addic7ed.com 52 00:01:59,368 --> 00:02:01,653 - Sir, I've been thinking. 53 00:02:01,704 --> 00:02:04,623 I know I'm a big shot now with my suits 54 00:02:04,657 --> 00:02:06,408 And a desk lamp that I control, 55 00:02:06,442 --> 00:02:07,909 But I just want you to know 56 00:02:07,943 --> 00:02:11,546 I will always be a page at heart. 57 00:02:11,581 --> 00:02:15,133 Even if I did just receive a fancy award at my new job. 58 00:02:15,167 --> 00:02:16,835 - On behalf of the mother[bleep] 59 00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:18,220 Standards department, 60 00:02:18,254 --> 00:02:19,971 I, gaylord felcher, present you 61 00:02:20,006 --> 00:02:22,340 With the "employee of the [bleep] week" award. 62 00:02:22,391 --> 00:02:24,626 Let's give it up for this [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] 63 00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:26,561 [bleep] bag of [bleep]. 64 00:02:26,596 --> 00:02:29,397 - So what can I get for you? 65 00:02:29,432 --> 00:02:31,066 - And hazel's on it, tracy. 66 00:02:31,100 --> 00:02:33,151 Kenneth, can I speak with you? 67 00:02:33,185 --> 00:02:34,653 - Can you? You just did. 68 00:02:37,907 --> 00:02:39,324 - What's your problem? 69 00:02:39,358 --> 00:02:40,859 - Oh, my, well... 70 00:02:40,910 --> 00:02:42,911 My parents were technically brothers-- 71 00:02:42,945 --> 00:02:44,279 - Look, I'm trying to do my job here. 72 00:02:44,313 --> 00:02:47,449 Tracy's my responsibility now. I take care of him. 73 00:02:47,483 --> 00:02:50,702 - Oh, well, I'm sorry, ms. What's-her-name, 74 00:02:50,753 --> 00:02:53,705 But I'll always be there for mr. Jordan. 75 00:02:53,756 --> 00:02:56,324 He has a special place in my heart. 76 00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:58,677 Just like nana parcell, my heartworm. 77 00:02:59,712 --> 00:03:01,846 - Ugh! 78 00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:04,432 - Hey, jack. What are you still doing here? 79 00:03:04,467 --> 00:03:06,351 Your segment was bumped. - What? 80 00:03:06,385 --> 00:03:09,170 Why? You guys doing another hard-hitting expose 81 00:03:09,188 --> 00:03:11,306 On how to plan a staycation with your cyber bully? 82 00:03:11,340 --> 00:03:12,674 - No, it's real news for once. 83 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:14,509 There was a mine collapse in china. 84 00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,311 Turns out, to keep labor costs down, 85 00:03:16,345 --> 00:03:18,146 All the miners there are babies. 86 00:03:18,180 --> 00:03:21,516 They pay 'em in yogurt. 87 00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:23,017 - God. 88 00:03:23,035 --> 00:03:25,737 Remember when we used to be the world leader in baby cuteness? 89 00:03:25,788 --> 00:03:27,188 I can't compete with that. 90 00:03:27,206 --> 00:03:29,624 - Also, adult dogs can't fit in the baby mines, 91 00:03:29,659 --> 00:03:32,460 So they're lowering down puppies to bring in supplies. 92 00:03:32,495 --> 00:03:33,962 - [sighs] 93 00:03:33,996 --> 00:03:35,863 - Hey, thanks for coming to see my band last night. 94 00:03:35,881 --> 00:03:38,300 - Yes, I didn't expect you to play for four hours. 95 00:03:42,871 --> 00:03:45,039 - Hey, dummies, I need you guys to write a sketch 96 00:03:45,057 --> 00:03:47,926 With a non-speaking part for whoever wins this dumb contest. 97 00:03:47,977 --> 00:03:50,312 And do not write another sketch about krang 98 00:03:50,346 --> 00:03:51,879 From teenage mutant ninja turtles. 99 00:03:51,897 --> 00:03:53,381 No one knows who krang is. 100 00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:56,484 It would be a waste of time to talk about krang on television. 101 00:03:56,519 --> 00:04:00,021 No more krang! 102 00:04:04,226 --> 00:04:05,827 - Liz? - Krang! 103 00:04:05,861 --> 00:04:07,228 What the hell, hazel? 104 00:04:07,246 --> 00:04:09,864 - Can I ask your advice, woman to woman? 105 00:04:09,898 --> 00:04:10,865 - Are you sure? 106 00:04:10,899 --> 00:04:11,899 'cause I took one of those 107 00:04:11,917 --> 00:04:13,585 "which gossip girl are you?" quizzes, 108 00:04:13,619 --> 00:04:15,170 And it said I was the dad's guitar. 109 00:04:15,204 --> 00:04:17,255 - [scoffs] please. You are so amazing. 110 00:04:17,289 --> 00:04:19,174 This place is such a boys' club, 111 00:04:19,208 --> 00:04:23,261 But you boss them around like an amazon warrior queen. 112 00:04:23,295 --> 00:04:25,046 And look at your body. 113 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,048 Your rack is like, "pow!" 114 00:04:27,082 --> 00:04:29,768 - Hazel, what is the question? - It's kenneth. 115 00:04:29,802 --> 00:04:31,136 He's not a page anymore, 116 00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:33,355 But he keeps trying to do my job for me. 117 00:04:33,389 --> 00:04:34,606 And when I confronted him about it, 118 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,775 He was so condescending. 119 00:04:36,809 --> 00:04:40,178 He laughed at me, and then he undressed me with his eyes. 120 00:04:40,212 --> 00:04:42,230 And then he had his way with me. 121 00:04:42,264 --> 00:04:43,815 With his eyes. 122 00:04:43,866 --> 00:04:45,817 - Ugh. The male gaze. - Yeah. 123 00:04:45,868 --> 00:04:47,619 They're all a bunch of gays. 124 00:04:47,653 --> 00:04:51,206 - No, kenneth is sweet, but he's still a man. 125 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:53,274 And in our society, men get praised 126 00:04:53,292 --> 00:04:55,410 For just taking whatever they want. 127 00:04:55,444 --> 00:04:57,746 But what do people call women who are tough and ambitious? 128 00:04:57,780 --> 00:04:59,614 - Leslie or courtney? 129 00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:02,283 - What? No. A bitch. 130 00:05:02,301 --> 00:05:04,002 Well, you may be at the bottom of the totem pole now, 131 00:05:04,053 --> 00:05:05,670 But you're in the game. 132 00:05:05,721 --> 00:05:08,256 So play it like a man and don't let anyone try to stop you. 133 00:05:08,290 --> 00:05:14,262 Just like the karate kid-- hilary swankarate kid iv. 134 00:05:14,296 --> 00:05:16,231 - I want you to be my mentor. 135 00:05:16,265 --> 00:05:20,018 - Julie-san, fighting not good. 136 00:05:20,069 --> 00:05:22,904 But if must fight, win. 137 00:05:22,938 --> 00:05:24,823 Kesuke miyagi, karate kid iv. 138 00:05:24,857 --> 00:05:27,325 I accept! 139 00:05:28,527 --> 00:05:29,977 - You listen to me, blitzer. 140 00:05:29,995 --> 00:05:31,913 Either cnn gets back on the avery jessup story, 141 00:05:31,947 --> 00:05:35,867 Or I'll tell everyone your real name, steel hammerhands. 142 00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:38,002 [click] hello? 143 00:05:38,037 --> 00:05:41,456 Steel? Mr. Hammerhands? 144 00:05:41,490 --> 00:05:43,124 - Jack. 145 00:05:43,158 --> 00:05:44,992 I have an important actor request. 146 00:05:45,010 --> 00:05:46,544 - This is not really a good time, jenna. 147 00:05:46,595 --> 00:05:48,513 - I want you to hire a giant to stand in the background 148 00:05:48,547 --> 00:05:50,432 Of every scene I'm in to make me look daintier. 149 00:05:50,466 --> 00:05:51,933 It works. 150 00:05:51,967 --> 00:05:54,102 It's why lamar odom married that giant kardashian girl. 151 00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:56,003 - I run a tv network, 152 00:05:56,021 --> 00:05:59,307 And I still can't get my wife's story on the air. 153 00:05:59,341 --> 00:06:03,695 The world may have forgotten about avery, but I haven't. 154 00:06:03,729 --> 00:06:06,281 Sometimes at night, I sit here in the dark, 155 00:06:06,315 --> 00:06:08,817 Drinking scotch, staring at that doorway, 156 00:06:08,851 --> 00:06:10,184 Hoping against hope 157 00:06:10,202 --> 00:06:12,787 That she'll walk as if nothing ever happened. 158 00:06:12,822 --> 00:06:14,539 "I'm home, jack. 159 00:06:14,573 --> 00:06:17,442 And I brought back a bunch of oriental sex powders." 160 00:06:17,476 --> 00:06:20,528 - I know how you can get avery back on television. 161 00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:22,580 Her story has everything! 162 00:06:22,631 --> 00:06:24,215 Blondeness, kidnapping, 163 00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:26,200 A villain with an accent. 164 00:06:26,218 --> 00:06:29,220 It's the perfect tv movie. I should know. 165 00:06:29,255 --> 00:06:32,423 I played italian party whore in the amanda knox story. 166 00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:35,310 - A tv movie--jenna, I don't want to trivialize this ordeal. 167 00:06:35,344 --> 00:06:36,544 - But those movies get results. 168 00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:37,879 Every kidnapped woman I've ever played 169 00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:39,180 Has been released. 170 00:06:39,214 --> 00:06:41,850 - Well, it would allow me to control the story. 171 00:06:41,884 --> 00:06:43,050 - Well, you better hurry, jack. 172 00:06:43,068 --> 00:06:44,486 Oxygen is already working on a movie 173 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:45,653 About the baby miners. 174 00:06:45,688 --> 00:06:46,938 - Then we'll have to slow them down. 175 00:06:46,989 --> 00:06:48,723 Gabriel... 176 00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:52,577 Send a bunch of pies to the oxygen network. 177 00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:58,333 - Excuse me, ms. What's-her-name. 178 00:06:58,367 --> 00:06:59,567 What's that? 179 00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:01,085 - Not that it's any of your business, 180 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:04,422 But tracy's jaw is tired from pretending to be pac-man. 181 00:07:04,456 --> 00:07:07,959 So I'm making it easier for him to eat. 182 00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:09,460 - No! No! 183 00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:11,596 He can't eat that junk. 184 00:07:11,630 --> 00:07:14,516 He just got his cholesterol down to triple digits. 185 00:07:14,550 --> 00:07:17,468 - Get off my ass, parcell. I'm doing my job. 186 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,755 You think you can push me around just because you have a penis? 187 00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:22,724 - I definitely have a penis. 188 00:07:22,758 --> 00:07:24,142 - You think I'm some delicate little girl 189 00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:25,927 Who'll do whatever you say? 190 00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:27,261 Well, I'm not delicate. 191 00:07:27,279 --> 00:07:30,431 I've been in tons of car wrecks. 192 00:07:30,449 --> 00:07:31,616 - Hazel, I just peed this. 193 00:07:31,650 --> 00:07:33,100 Could you take care of it for me? 194 00:07:33,118 --> 00:07:34,268 - Sir! 195 00:07:34,286 --> 00:07:37,071 I am resuming responsibility for your care. 196 00:07:37,105 --> 00:07:38,773 You are in dire need 197 00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:41,376 Of a getting-your-act-together montage. 198 00:07:41,410 --> 00:07:44,629 ♪ down so low, don't know what up is ♪ 199 00:07:44,663 --> 00:07:46,497 ♪ when-- - I'm sorry, tracy. 200 00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:50,168 You wanna be bossed around by this trailer park hitler? 201 00:07:50,219 --> 00:07:53,454 Or do you wanna do whatever you want with a sexy, fun bitch 202 00:07:53,472 --> 00:07:55,924 Who just bought you a pinata? 203 00:07:55,958 --> 00:07:57,625 - Awesome! 204 00:07:59,428 --> 00:08:00,628 - [inaudible] 205 00:08:02,831 --> 00:08:02,831 206 00:08:04,753 --> 00:08:06,112 Miss lemon, do you have a second 207 00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:08,155 Or are you busy regretting your life choices, 208 00:08:08,189 --> 00:08:10,107 For example, missing your window for having children? 209 00:08:10,158 --> 00:08:12,859 - Get to the point, kenneth. - It's hazel. 210 00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:16,029 I'm trying to help her, but she's gone crazy. 211 00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:17,564 - Uh-huh. You can't handle the fact 212 00:08:17,582 --> 00:08:18,999 That a woman is doing your old job. 213 00:08:19,033 --> 00:08:20,784 What a world. 214 00:08:20,835 --> 00:08:22,786 I bet even hillary clinton has to put up with this crap 215 00:08:22,837 --> 00:08:25,038 From whoever was secretary of state before her. 216 00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:26,673 - You mean condoleezza-- - shut up. 217 00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:29,075 Look, I believe in hazel. I happen to be her mentor. 218 00:08:29,093 --> 00:08:30,710 So to quote mr. Miyagi, 219 00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:33,913 "leave girl alone or you deal with me, surf shop owner." 220 00:08:36,250 --> 00:08:38,385 - Hey, sweetie. How was your day? 221 00:08:38,419 --> 00:08:40,920 - Not even half over, hazel. 222 00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:43,140 Ugh! I still have to read all these essays. 223 00:08:43,174 --> 00:08:45,375 Okay. - Look at you. 224 00:08:45,409 --> 00:08:48,495 You're a whirlwind-- in charge in the board room... 225 00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:50,763 And the bedroom. - Sure. 226 00:08:50,781 --> 00:08:52,816 - You're a modern, dtf type woman 227 00:08:52,867 --> 00:08:54,284 Whose whole vibe says, 228 00:08:54,318 --> 00:08:57,704 "yeah! Dig sex and I'm not gonna apologize for it." 229 00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,824 - Okay, here's a little bedroom tip. 230 00:09:00,875 --> 00:09:04,544 Put a bag of popcorn in the microwave beforehand. 231 00:09:04,579 --> 00:09:06,779 That way, when you're done, you have a treat. 232 00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:09,916 - I wish I had your emotional intelligence. 233 00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:13,587 My boyfriend razmig and I have hit a little rough patch. 234 00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:16,423 - Okay. Lay it on me. 235 00:09:16,457 --> 00:09:20,460 - Well, I went home this afternoon to get some, 236 00:09:20,478 --> 00:09:24,797 And I found razmig banging the fattest chick I've ever seen. 237 00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:27,234 And you know, I used to weigh 800 pounds. 238 00:09:27,268 --> 00:09:28,602 - Stop right there. 239 00:09:28,636 --> 00:09:30,353 You didn't hit a rough patch. He cheated on you. 240 00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:31,804 You have to dump him immediately. 241 00:09:31,822 --> 00:09:34,107 - What? How can you say that? 242 00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:35,442 - Hazel, I'm trying to help you. 243 00:09:35,476 --> 00:09:37,477 - By asking me to break up with the man I love? 244 00:09:37,495 --> 00:09:40,830 Helping me would be teaching me how to spice things up. 245 00:09:40,865 --> 00:09:42,532 Like by greeting him at the front door 246 00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:44,751 Wearing nothing but false teeth. 247 00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:48,154 I'm very disappointed in your mentorship, liz. 248 00:09:48,172 --> 00:09:49,489 If this were two years ago, 249 00:09:49,507 --> 00:09:51,174 I would sit on you till you died. 250 00:09:55,580 --> 00:09:57,597 - No wigs. 251 00:09:57,632 --> 00:10:00,500 I said no wigs. 252 00:10:00,518 --> 00:10:02,052 You're not a lead, gabe. 253 00:10:02,103 --> 00:10:04,387 At best, you're a featured extra with no lines. 254 00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:09,059 Do you understand? - Hey, gabe. 255 00:10:09,110 --> 00:10:11,444 - Lemon, would you be interested in writing the screenplay 256 00:10:11,479 --> 00:10:13,446 For the greatest love story ever told? 257 00:10:13,481 --> 00:10:17,016 - You mean lois lane's love affair with journalism? 258 00:10:17,034 --> 00:10:18,652 I said it. - Avery and me. 259 00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:20,537 I'm producing a television movie 260 00:10:20,571 --> 00:10:21,955 To get her back in the headlines. 261 00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:24,157 For obvious reasons, I'm fast-tracking the project. 262 00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:26,293 The script is due on Monday. - Monday? 263 00:10:26,327 --> 00:10:28,461 Hmm. I guess I won't be able to go to the gym this weekend. 264 00:10:28,496 --> 00:10:29,796 - I know it's short notice, 265 00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,581 But I would consider it a personal favor 266 00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,366 After six years of listening to you complain 267 00:10:33,384 --> 00:10:35,418 About how there are so few women on death row. 268 00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:38,138 - Is a coincidence, or is the system sexist? 269 00:10:38,172 --> 00:10:40,924 Oh! Speaking of our amazing dynamic, 270 00:10:40,975 --> 00:10:42,875 I have taken on a mentee of my own, jack-- 271 00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:44,010 A page named hazel. 272 00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:45,378 - You're a mentor? 273 00:10:45,396 --> 00:10:47,230 But that makes me a grand-mentor. 274 00:10:47,265 --> 00:10:49,282 And I'm still so young. - Don't worry. 275 00:10:49,317 --> 00:10:50,600 I already messed it up. 276 00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:53,103 I told her to break up with her awful boyfriend 277 00:10:53,137 --> 00:10:54,654 And she got really mad at me. 278 00:10:54,689 --> 00:10:56,273 - Often, the best way for a mentee to learn 279 00:10:56,324 --> 00:10:57,657 Is for you to let her fail. 280 00:10:57,692 --> 00:10:59,192 - Wait, does that mean you've done that to me? 281 00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:00,994 When? - Um-- 282 00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:02,329 - I think the crowd at the apollo 283 00:11:02,363 --> 00:11:03,697 Might welcome a change of pace. 284 00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,949 - You're right. You should do it. 285 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,118 Sometimes, they have to learn the hard way. 286 00:11:08,169 --> 00:11:09,703 If hazel rejects your advice, let her. 287 00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:11,204 She'll get there on her own 288 00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:12,589 Just like you did after the crowd at the apollo 289 00:11:12,623 --> 00:11:14,291 Chased you into the river. 290 00:11:14,342 --> 00:11:17,577 - Okay, I understand the irony of what I'm about to say, 291 00:11:17,595 --> 00:11:20,130 But I reject that advice. 292 00:11:20,181 --> 00:11:22,582 Don't worry, I'll bring you back a t-shirt from successtown. 293 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:27,387 Ow! My groin! 294 00:11:27,421 --> 00:11:29,589 - Mr. Jordan! - K-dog. 295 00:11:29,607 --> 00:11:32,425 You were wrong. They do still make crossbows. 296 00:11:32,443 --> 00:11:34,811 - You let him buy a crossbow? 297 00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:36,363 And a motorcycle? 298 00:11:36,397 --> 00:11:38,931 - No, kenneth, I let him buy a motorcycle ramp 299 00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:41,534 And no motorcycle! 300 00:11:44,538 --> 00:11:46,406 Can I help you? 301 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:49,075 Tracy's very tired. He didn't sleep last night. 302 00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:50,410 - Why not? 303 00:11:50,444 --> 00:11:51,944 If he doesn't get at least 14 hours a night, 304 00:11:51,962 --> 00:11:53,413 He starts to go crazy. 305 00:11:53,447 --> 00:11:54,881 - We on a show within a show! 306 00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,116 My real name is tracy morgan! 307 00:11:57,134 --> 00:11:58,752 - Well, tracy wanted to go clubbing. 308 00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:00,470 And I don't know if you know this, kenneth, 309 00:12:00,504 --> 00:12:02,389 But night clubs are open at night. 310 00:12:02,423 --> 00:12:04,724 - You didn't let him drink, did you? 311 00:12:04,759 --> 00:12:07,293 Mr. Jordan can't mix alcohol with his medication. 312 00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:09,929 - I'm not an idiot, kenneth. I took him off his medication. 313 00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:11,314 - You what? 314 00:12:11,349 --> 00:12:12,732 Why are you doing this? 315 00:12:12,767 --> 00:12:14,651 - Because liz told me to. 316 00:12:14,685 --> 00:12:17,470 Having access to tracy is an opportunity, 317 00:12:17,488 --> 00:12:19,239 And I'm taking advantage of it. 318 00:12:19,273 --> 00:12:22,275 Did you see page six today? 319 00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:24,244 Those are my toes he's sucking on. 320 00:12:24,278 --> 00:12:27,614 And he did not want to. 321 00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:33,920 [gasping] ah, mm. 322 00:12:36,424 --> 00:12:39,092 - Jack! 323 00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:40,993 What the hell is this? 324 00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:43,129 - Where did you get that? 325 00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:45,382 - Donna from casting and I are friends. 326 00:12:45,433 --> 00:12:46,766 Well, not so much friends 327 00:12:46,801 --> 00:12:48,551 As I own a magnet that can scramble her pacemaker. 328 00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:50,387 - Jenna, you are not playing avery. 329 00:12:50,438 --> 00:12:52,722 - Why not? This movie was my idea! 330 00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:54,057 - I appreciate that. 331 00:12:54,108 --> 00:12:56,860 You can play a korean party whore. 332 00:12:56,894 --> 00:12:59,178 I just don't think you can capture avery's essence. 333 00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:01,147 - That's ridiculous. 334 00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:03,616 I posed bottomless in essence. 335 00:13:03,651 --> 00:13:05,869 - Jenna, avery is worldly. Traveled. 336 00:13:05,903 --> 00:13:06,986 She went to yale. 337 00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:08,405 - Oh, I see. 338 00:13:08,456 --> 00:13:11,074 You think I'm stupid, just because my college 339 00:13:11,125 --> 00:13:13,076 Got tipped over by those miami heat fans. 340 00:13:13,127 --> 00:13:14,694 - I didn't say stupid. 341 00:13:14,712 --> 00:13:16,162 Jenna, there are many kinds of intelligence. 342 00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:19,549 Practical, emotional, and there's actual intelligence, 343 00:13:19,583 --> 00:13:21,301 Which is what I'm talking about. 344 00:13:21,335 --> 00:13:23,052 - I want this part, jack. 345 00:13:23,087 --> 00:13:24,921 It's a guaranteed emmy nomination. 346 00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:26,923 - I'm sorry. I've made up my mind. 347 00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:30,042 - Very well. 348 00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:31,928 But let me ask you this, jack. 349 00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:34,380 Would a dumb person be able to think of something amazing 350 00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:39,018 To say as she leaves? 351 00:13:42,857 --> 00:13:44,774 - Liz, we have a show in four hours. 352 00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:46,359 Have you still not picked a contest winner? 353 00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:49,061 - Ugh! Fine, I'll just pick one at random. 354 00:13:49,079 --> 00:13:51,030 It's joren van der sloot. 355 00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:52,832 - We can't fly someone from peru now. 356 00:13:52,867 --> 00:13:55,702 There's no time. 357 00:13:55,736 --> 00:13:58,455 - Oh, hazel, we need to talk. - I'm busy, liz. 358 00:13:58,506 --> 00:14:01,291 Tracy wants me to paom in . 359 00:14:01,342 --> 00:14:02,675 Is this dress appropriate 360 00:14:02,710 --> 00:14:04,177 For watching pornography with penn jillette? 361 00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:07,096 - Okay, normally we don't encourage tracy to go to vegas, 362 00:14:07,131 --> 00:14:10,133 Because of his gambling addiction and his fear of magic. 363 00:14:10,184 --> 00:14:12,769 But maybe a weekend away from razmig is a good thing. 364 00:14:12,803 --> 00:14:15,054 - No. Razmig's coming with me. 365 00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:16,589 - [armenian accent] what? Who is this, hah-zel? 366 00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:18,608 I no permit you talk other woman. 367 00:14:18,642 --> 00:14:20,026 - Okay, I'm putting my foot down. 368 00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:23,646 This guy is no good for you and I order you, as your mentor, 369 00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,114 To dump him. 370 00:14:25,149 --> 00:14:26,766 - You don't know what you're talking about, liz. 371 00:14:26,784 --> 00:14:29,602 Razmig is amazing. He makes me laugh. 372 00:14:29,620 --> 00:14:32,489 - Oh, where is toilet pail? Razmig must make mud. 373 00:14:32,540 --> 00:14:34,958 - [chuckling] razmig! 374 00:14:34,992 --> 00:14:36,609 - Hazel, no. I'm not letting you-- 375 00:14:36,627 --> 00:14:38,778 - [jack's voice echoing] let her fail, liz. 376 00:14:38,796 --> 00:14:41,714 Let her get there on her own. 377 00:14:41,749 --> 00:14:44,300 - You know what, fine. You're right, I'm wrong. 378 00:14:44,335 --> 00:14:47,286 Go, be with razmig. - Thank you, liz. 379 00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:51,508 It takes a big woman to admit she's wrong. 380 00:14:51,559 --> 00:14:52,675 - You are a big woman. 381 00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:55,628 You have pictures? Fat nudes? 382 00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:03,970 - [knocking] I need your help, ms. Maroney. 383 00:15:03,988 --> 00:15:06,573 - Absolutely. 384 00:15:06,607 --> 00:15:08,691 Oh, I thought you were someone famous. 385 00:15:08,742 --> 00:15:10,076 You sound a lot like reese witherspoon. 386 00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:11,611 What do you want? 387 00:15:11,645 --> 00:15:14,163 - I'm afraid if mr. Jordan goes to las vegas this weekend, 388 00:15:14,198 --> 00:15:15,648 He's gonna die. 389 00:15:15,666 --> 00:15:16,749 - I'm not hearing my name, kenneth. 390 00:15:16,784 --> 00:15:18,701 - So I thought you-- 391 00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:20,954 - Oh, thank god. That took forever. 392 00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:23,656 - I thought you could teach me how to get around hazel. 393 00:15:23,674 --> 00:15:27,460 If I could just get one minute alone with mr. Jordan-- 394 00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:30,179 - You can convince him he's wrong. Yes! 395 00:15:30,214 --> 00:15:32,549 But how do you get his attention? 396 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:35,435 All the world's a stage, kenneth. 397 00:15:35,469 --> 00:15:38,104 Just play the part. 398 00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:40,306 - Play the part? 399 00:15:46,901 --> 00:15:46,901 400 00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:51,701 - Ms. Lemon. 401 00:15:51,752 --> 00:15:53,086 If it's not too late, 402 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,987 I would like the essay contest to win a role 403 00:15:55,005 --> 00:15:56,822 On tgs with tracy jordan. 404 00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:58,374 - No, kenneth, you can't enter. 405 00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:00,209 The contest isn't open to nbc employees. 406 00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:01,994 - I know, ma'am-maw. 407 00:16:02,012 --> 00:16:03,829 Which is why I just quit my job 408 00:16:03,847 --> 00:16:05,632 At standards and practices. 409 00:16:05,666 --> 00:16:07,500 - I may [bleep] hate you right now, 410 00:16:07,518 --> 00:16:10,970 You little [bleep], but [bleep] damn it I respect you. 411 00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:12,305 - Kenneth, you know this is just 412 00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:14,006 To be a non-speaking extra, right? 413 00:16:14,024 --> 00:16:15,341 - I know. 414 00:16:15,359 --> 00:16:18,144 But have you ever loved something so much 415 00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,063 That you would sacrifice anything for it? 416 00:16:20,114 --> 00:16:21,447 - Nope. 417 00:16:21,482 --> 00:16:23,616 But you know what, this is perfect. 418 00:16:23,651 --> 00:16:25,868 Because then I don't have to pick some crazy person, 419 00:16:25,903 --> 00:16:27,737 And I know you won't do anything weird on the air. 420 00:16:27,788 --> 00:16:29,072 - I'm kenneth! 421 00:16:29,123 --> 00:16:31,190 - Get to wardrobe, contest winner! 422 00:16:31,208 --> 00:16:33,292 This is gonna be a great show. 423 00:16:40,050 --> 00:16:42,752 - Hello? - Hi, it's charles from the u.N. 424 00:16:42,803 --> 00:16:44,087 We found your wife 425 00:16:44,138 --> 00:16:46,055 And I dropped her off at the office. 426 00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:48,508 She should be there right about now. 427 00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:54,147 - Jack, it's me. I'm home. 428 00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:55,782 - No, you're not my wife. 429 00:16:55,816 --> 00:16:57,567 - How could you say that, darling? 430 00:16:57,601 --> 00:17:00,236 I'm avery jesbert. - Jenna? 431 00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:02,188 - No, don't turn on the light. 432 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:03,690 Surprised? 433 00:17:03,724 --> 00:17:07,944 - Let's set aside how idiotic that plan was, 434 00:17:07,995 --> 00:17:10,446 And imagine a world where it actually worked. 435 00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:11,831 - I appreciate your feedback. 436 00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:14,233 - If I had believed you for one second, 437 00:17:14,251 --> 00:17:16,285 I would've been devastated, heartbroken! 438 00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:18,287 - You wanna talk about devastation? 439 00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:20,590 How do you think I felt when you told me I couldn't play avery? 440 00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:22,125 - You are a monster. 441 00:17:22,176 --> 00:17:25,628 What you have done here today, it's--it's... 442 00:17:25,679 --> 00:17:29,248 The second cruelest thing that anyone has ever done to me. 443 00:17:29,283 --> 00:17:30,600 Do you know what the cruelest is? 444 00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:32,068 - When I went to the bathroom on the hood of your car 445 00:17:32,102 --> 00:17:33,686 Before I thought of this plan? 446 00:17:33,721 --> 00:17:35,338 - Avery had me committed to a mental hospital 447 00:17:35,372 --> 00:17:36,756 So she and her college roommate 448 00:17:36,774 --> 00:17:38,307 Could use my yankee tickets on opening day. 449 00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:41,778 - That's a nice story, jack, but I don't hear my name in it. 450 00:17:41,812 --> 00:17:43,696 - You-- - finally. 451 00:17:43,731 --> 00:17:46,983 - You may not have avery's grace and acumen, 452 00:17:47,034 --> 00:17:49,869 But you do have the one thing that makes her so special-- 453 00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:52,572 Her ruthless pursuit of self-interest. 454 00:17:52,606 --> 00:17:54,607 It's the heart of capitalism. 455 00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:59,579 And the beautiful black heart of my wife. 456 00:17:59,613 --> 00:18:03,583 Jenna, you have avery's essence. Congratulations. 457 00:18:03,617 --> 00:18:05,117 The part is yours. 458 00:18:05,135 --> 00:18:07,754 - Oh! You won't regret this. 459 00:18:07,788 --> 00:18:09,756 We're gonna get her home, jack. 460 00:18:09,790 --> 00:18:11,073 Now if you'll excuse me, 461 00:18:11,108 --> 00:18:12,925 I have a female condom to take out. 462 00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,293 Unless... 463 00:18:14,311 --> 00:18:16,095 Going once... 464 00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:20,183 - Four, three-- 465 00:18:20,234 --> 00:18:21,934 [audience cheering] 466 00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:23,486 - Ladies and gentlemen, 467 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,589 A message from the president of the United States. 468 00:18:26,623 --> 00:18:29,575 - Goo-goo, ga-ga, my fellow ah-meh-ri-cans. 469 00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:32,612 - Okay, he's never been worse. 470 00:18:32,646 --> 00:18:34,614 Is kenneth supposed to enter? 471 00:18:34,648 --> 00:18:35,832 - I love you, sir. 472 00:18:35,866 --> 00:18:37,033 - Ken, where have you been? 473 00:18:37,084 --> 00:18:39,035 - Damn it. - I've been here all along. 474 00:18:39,086 --> 00:18:41,287 I never left. And I never will. 475 00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:42,588 - Go to commercial. 476 00:18:42,623 --> 00:18:43,823 - They told us we can't do that any more. 477 00:18:43,841 --> 00:18:44,990 - What? 478 00:18:45,008 --> 00:18:46,926 - I quit my job to be here, mr. Jordan. 479 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,878 It was the only way I could get around hazel. 480 00:18:48,929 --> 00:18:51,130 - You quit your job for me? 481 00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:55,218 - I'm not just gonna sit by and watch you destroy yourself. 482 00:18:55,269 --> 00:18:58,170 'cause I would do anything for love, 483 00:18:58,188 --> 00:18:59,939 But I won't do that. 484 00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:05,812 - The girl in that video was hot in an early '90s kind of way. 485 00:19:05,846 --> 00:19:09,799 - Now...Take your medicine. 486 00:19:09,833 --> 00:19:11,167 - This has been a message 487 00:19:11,201 --> 00:19:14,320 From the president of the United States. 488 00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:18,491 - Tough night? 489 00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:19,992 Come on, lemon. The show was all right. 490 00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:21,460 What about the sketch with the guy who was worried 491 00:19:21,495 --> 00:19:23,129 About his sexual performance? 492 00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,331 - That was a real commercial for an erectile dysfunction drug. 493 00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:27,032 - Well, I laughed. 494 00:19:27,050 --> 00:19:29,302 So, uh, how did things shake out with hazel? 495 00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:31,137 - Not great. 496 00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:33,172 My way, which is still the right way, didn't work. 497 00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:35,091 So just to see, I did your thing. 498 00:19:35,142 --> 00:19:37,009 - Good. You let her fail. 499 00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:39,595 That's how the banking industry learned its lesson. 500 00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:41,814 And now they're doing amazing, and everyone's honest. 501 00:19:41,849 --> 00:19:43,883 - Mm. Your thing didn't work either. 502 00:19:43,901 --> 00:19:47,603 - Are you sure? 503 00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:56,529 Mentoring is not an exact science. 504 00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:57,947 - Why aren't there more female serial killers? 505 00:19:57,998 --> 00:19:59,332 What does that say about our society-- 506 00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:00,366 - Liz! 507 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,902 - Oh, here she is. She's here. 508 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,237 - Liz, I was watching the show fall apart 509 00:20:05,255 --> 00:20:08,073 While razmig gave me a prison tattoo of his face, 510 00:20:08,091 --> 00:20:09,292 And I heard your voice. 511 00:20:09,343 --> 00:20:12,411 I finally heard everything you said to me. 512 00:20:12,429 --> 00:20:14,413 "hazel, you're a beautiful flower. 513 00:20:14,431 --> 00:20:16,265 "let yourself bloom. 514 00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:17,583 "what are you doing this weekend, hazel? 515 00:20:17,601 --> 00:20:20,386 Are there still bath houses? Let's go to one!" 516 00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:21,721 - I never said any of that, but-- 517 00:20:21,755 --> 00:20:23,105 - You were right all along. 518 00:20:23,140 --> 00:20:25,691 You knew I was making the wrong choices. 519 00:20:25,726 --> 00:20:28,728 But you let me fail. With razmig, with tracy. 520 00:20:28,762 --> 00:20:30,613 - Yes, I was definitely on top of that tracy thing. 521 00:20:30,647 --> 00:20:32,431 - You were teaching me the whole time, 522 00:20:32,449 --> 00:20:36,101 And all the while lighting a fire with that hot ass. 523 00:20:36,119 --> 00:20:38,788 - I'm...Jack. 524 00:20:38,822 --> 00:20:43,075 I'm your grand-mentor. Liz? 525 00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:46,329 She's beautiful. 526 00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:49,498 527 00:20:59,781 --> 00:21:03,634 Okay! Please welcome to the stage leminem! 528 00:21:03,668 --> 00:21:04,768 Ooh! 529 00:21:04,803 --> 00:21:07,238 [scattered applause, booing] 530 00:21:07,272 --> 00:21:11,318 - ♪ ahhh, do the sprinkler here we go. 531 00:21:11,319 --> 00:21:16,209 ♪♪♪♪ 532 00:21:16,210 --> 00:21:20,694 ♪♪♪♪ 533 00:21:20,695 --> 00:21:30,965 Synced By YesCool www.addic7ed.com